February 10, 2009

real men 2.0

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Recently on Twitter, inspired by the great 1982 bestseller, "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche", I've been making a small, random list re. "The Behavior of Real Men in the Web 2.0 Generation".

@rajtilak from Calcutta kindly compiled the entire list and put it on his blog. Thanks, Rajtilak!

Real Men 2.0

1. Real Men don't get defensive when they learn that not everybody shares their enthusiasm for Apple products.

2. Real Men don't give a flying fuck what the business model is.

3. Real Men don't spend 8 hours a day on Friendfeed, "because that's where all the interesting conversations are...".

4. Real Men don't throw a hissy fit when some A-Lister fails to reply to their unsolicited, 6,000-word email.

5. Real Men don't fantasize about traffic spikes while they're beating off.

6. Real Men have sex more often than they get onto Techmeme.

7. Real Men don't blame their business failures on bloggers with more traffic than them.

8. Real Men don't "Open Source" the lint in their navels.

9. Real Men don't sigh like teenagers while watching other men trying to make an honest living.

10. Real Men don't "Follow all the interesting conversations on Friendfeed" when they should be schtuppin' their wives.

11. Real Men don't have to wipe off their keyboard with a Kleenex after every time they read a news story about Apple.

12. Real Men never pretend that their personal blog "belongs to my community".

13. Real Men don't Twitter while their girlfriends are giving them head.

14. Real Men never use use the phrase, "Interesting Conversations" to justify their lame-ass online addiction.

15. Real Men don't blog about blogging.

16. Real Men like blowjobs and beer, more than they like Facebook and Friendfeed.

17. Real Men don't worry about whether Real Men use Twitter or not.

18. Real Men don't give a rat's ass if you prefer Linux over Windows.

19. Real Men actually spend time AWAY from their computers.

20. Real Men don't play "Armchair Quarterback".

21. Real Men don't cry like schoolgirls every time another blogger starts making real money.

22. Real Men don't confuse Cluetrain with Religion.

23. Real Men don't linkbait.

24. Real Men don't confuse "Getting mentioned on Techcrunch" with "Having a real business model".

25. Real Men don't care if their story fails to make it onto Techmeme.

26. Real Men don't ask for sympathy fucks online.

27. Real Men don't have to ask for clarification on every detail, no matter how trivial.

28. Real Men don't care if it's a Walled Garden.

29. Real Men don't tweet REALLY OBVIOUS jokes that have already been tweeted 6-8 times by other people in the last 2 minutes.

30. Real Men never say, "If it doesn't have comments, it isn't a real blog".

31. Real Men don't leave comments.

32. Real Men don't wait overnight in line to get into the Apple Store.

33. Real Men don't even know who Jerry Yang is.

34. Real Men don't make it to the top of Techmeme.

35. Real Men don't use the phrase, "Quality Content".

36. Real Men don't care if your blog doesn't have as much "Quality Content" as it used to.

37. Real Men don't have "Personal Brands".

38. Real Men do not confuse "A New Paradigm" with "Please give me your money".

39. Real Men don't "Open-Source" the name of their firstborn.

40. Real Men don't measure their self-worth in terms of whuffie.

41. Real Men don't confuse phrases like, "Real Men don't have to worry about whether they're being Real Men", with actual, original thought.

Posted by hugh macleod at February 10, 2009 5:48 AM | TrackBack
Comments

I am honored. Thank you :)

Posted by: Rajtilak Bhattacharjee at February 10, 2009 6:26 AM

Great list, mainly because it tells me that, for the most part, I am a real man.

Posted by: Steve at February 10, 2009 6:59 AM

What a good laugh! and sadly so true!

Posted by: Emmanuel Vivier (Vanksen & BuzzParadise.com) at February 10, 2009 7:19 AM

This list is hysterically funny. Too bad "Real Men" wouldn't understand a word of it or care:-)

You are doing wonderful work, Hugh. I continue to carry your cards proudly, especially the one that says "I like it when the company makes money." A foreign concept, perhaps, but a welcome one.

Posted by: francine hardaway at February 10, 2009 7:25 AM

This list makes me realize I know some Real Assholes.

Posted by: Jodi at February 10, 2009 7:39 AM

Cool.

Btw, 'open sourcing' something doesn't mean letting others do your stuff for you (or with you in some sort of kumbaya fashion), as you seem to imply from your use of the term. Well, it didn't until marketing types got their hands on the phrase!

It means letting others to their stuff for themselves, which makes it Real Open Source 2.0. Obviously.

Posted by: Adriana at February 10, 2009 7:47 AM

Real men don't kill comments critical of their absurd pretensions to be "real men."

Posted by: anonyme at February 10, 2009 8:39 AM

I'm not a Real Man (cf. #31). Oh, sod it.

Posted by: Sebastian Franck at February 10, 2009 8:40 AM

Ha! Excellent. Was going to leave a comment but that would mean I am not a... wait a minute... bollocks. Blown it again!

Posted by: Clive Birnie at February 10, 2009 9:29 AM

16. Yes, yes. Real WOMEN like beer and blow jobs better than Facebook.
26. Thank god you said that.

Fuck the phrase, “Quality Content”

And "Interesting Conversations" are way more INTERESTING in person. Real friends, real time. No keyboards, delays, or security blanket of anonymity.

Posted by: Brienne at February 10, 2009 10:21 AM

So... therefore... real men dont' lose time writing things about "real men"? :P

Posted by: CyberGus at February 10, 2009 5:13 PM


Real men don`t read this fucking old shit.

Posted by: Jake Edwards at February 10, 2009 10:45 PM

well this assures me that I'm qualified as a Real Man 2.0

Posted by: Azraai at February 10, 2009 11:36 PM

42. Real men don't give a shit about lists about real men........

Posted by: iDavid at February 11, 2009 2:38 AM

I hope to see a follow-up post about real women.

Posted by: Jess Meats at February 11, 2009 2:53 AM

I'm sorry.

Posted by: at February 11, 2009 9:33 AM

I'm sorry.

Posted by: anthony at February 11, 2009 9:34 AM

Absolutely HILARIOUS...(even funnier when I saw I was 100% real man aaall daay loong - wheeww - thank god! LOL). Keep rockin'Hugh!

Posted by: Rasul Sha'ir at February 11, 2009 4:04 PM

Dunno man, I think Texas is making you cranky ;)

But here I am leaving a comment and having my manhood challenged...

Great stuff as always, keep it up!

Posted by: Keith at February 11, 2009 4:45 PM

umm... dumb

Posted by: Luke at February 12, 2009 6:30 AM

Ha! I guess that makes me a real man.

Cheers
Emma.

Posted by: Emma Kirsoopp at February 13, 2009 2:40 AM

real men don't deal with cliché neither ;)

but i love the drawing on the back of cards

Posted by: zemetrus at February 14, 2009 12:35 PM

Is it just me or is there, beneath the obvious layer of joke, a steadily swelling underflow of desperation in your list. Reminds me of Roger Waters' lyrics:

Who was born in a house full of pain.
Who was breaking away from the pack.
Who was found dead on the phone.
...
Who was dragged down by the stone.
Who was dragged down by the stone.

Well, surely it's just me being a tad depressed.

Posted by: anonymous at February 16, 2009 5:25 PM

I love this post. Just sent a link to it to 1500 of my closest friends. I think this applies to chics took.

Posted by: teresa boardman at February 16, 2009 5:27 PM

Real Men are not French Men.
Real Men don't drive their dates off of a bridge, then flee the scene.
Real Men don't ride the amber waves of girls gone wild and exposed breasts into pizza parties turned Oval Office fellatio.
Real Men don't call themselves Real Men.
Real Men don't blame George Bush because he failed to get them a date on eHarmony.com
Real Men inhale.
Real Men don't hookbaits, they bait hooks.
Real Men believe guns kill people the way spoons make Michael Moore fat.

Posted by: Real Awful at February 17, 2009 4:08 AM