gapingvoid: "cartoons drawn on the back of business cards"

You say you need to shorten the script - well I think you can lose two scenes very easily though I'm sure you'll be horrified. The intorduction of Hallam is I guess necessary (and probably runs under the opening titles) but the subsequent scene of jumping down and scaring off the girl adds nothing - we know he's weird already, we don't need characters telling us that and you need to get on with the other main characters (so thats 3-4 pages gone.

Then after the denouement I think you can lose the penultimate scene - it smacks of tying up a loose end that doesnt need to be tied up - after all the next scene has him thousands of miles away so it's implicit that he's said good bye to scotland and evrything there. (thats another 2 pages). you might argue that the transition is too quick this way but i would counter that the whole climax of the piece comes very suddenly so I don't think including that extra scene makes a lot of difference. The mystery has been resolved and we only really care where Hallam ends up - the romance with Kate was in my eyes never going to be the happy ending and while it includes for me the strongest scenes of the script I don't think you have to neatly dot the Is and cross the Ts. Hope this is of use.

Thanks John,

I will definitely bear these in mind. I have a fondness for both these scenes at the moment. The first because it is quite an extreme and dramatic action and all the make-up stuff ties into a motif used throughout the film to link to his mum. The second, because I feel the scene, as well as being emotional (played in the right way of course) is a real indication of Hal moving on.

However, the problem I have now is that I have reasons for liking almost all the scenes, so I have to kill some darlings somewhere. So these comments will certainly add to the mix. Thanks.

A question for Dave - I've just started reading the script and was wondering what is the setting for the story, in terms of place and era? Just want to be able to visualise it properly. Enjoying it so far - looking forward to making some comments and joining in the Hughtrain on this one!

The story is set in contemporary Scotland.

I know you don't want a series of dialogues, but I'll just make the one riposte to your valid points.

I'm sure it's hard to let go of your babies but I'd counter your comments by saying in respect of the first cut that the make-up motif could be incorporated into the initial scenes in the tree-house without needing the "ambush" to occur. I accept your point about the drama of the scene but I wonder if the desire for an impactful opening necessitates "car chases". Subtle weirdness/atmosphere can surely draw the viewer in?

Indeed it seemed to me that there was quite a dissonance between the action of that scene and what follows immediately - I found the first ten to fifteen pages the hardest to get through when i read it - it's quickly established that Hallam is a little unusual shall we say but then i found myself thinking get on with it, where's this going?

In respect of my second proposal - I agree - yes it could be a good scene but I think Kate is a great character and there are a lot of emotional scenes for her throughout the script. It's not for me a superfluous scene (unlike the ambush) but in terms of Hallam moving on I do think his turning up in Bondi does suggest that as well. As it stands you have his moving on stretched out into two scenes where one could suffice - stop me now but im coming over all creative - if you could transition from him pushing the wheelchair up the slope to something similar in australia (how about a luggage trolley at the airport or up the driveway to sister's place) you could establish the moivng on visually and quickly and set up the final punchline really well.

I'll get my coat!

P.S. When i said you could convey the moving-on visually , I meant the contrast between scottish light and bright aussie sunshine - visual metaphor for progress etc -not sure if i was making that clear.

Thank you John. I have had a day of slashing bits and pieces in the middle of the script. Tomorrow I will focus on the top and tail, where your comments will be very much in the mix.

I am thinking that as part of this experiment I will also post my amended reduced version (due next weds) for comment from those who are interested.

Keep it coming guys. Much appreciated. D